Every April fools I try to plan a
cunning ruse to rope the gullible in a web of misinformation. I mean, it says “fool”
for a reason, right? Parents set their children’s clock forward an hour so they
appear late for school. We see false “pregnancy” in rows on social media. So, of course, everyone would expect that on
this day of jolly and jeer. So, I decided to make a head start on fooling
everyone and post my bit three days before April 1st. Jesus got
three days before his big reveal, right?
I roped my boyfriend to tag along in
the event posting and let a few close relatives in on it before changing our
relationship status. The glaring blue bold print switched on my Facebook feed, “Engaged:
Krystin got engaged to Ryan” with the date. I giggled to myself at my own
genius. I pegged a few people who would fall for it, maybe 10 or 11 likes and a
handful of celebratory comments. However, within the first twenty-four hours I
witnessed an outpouring of love and congratulations from all people, eclipsing
my very predictions thrice fold.
The anticipation of the reveal
morphed from excitement into anxiety: What if I hurt these people I care for by
telling them this was all for a prank? I might boast to have no soul but I’m
not a cruel person. These wonderful
people wanted to see me spend years with this man. And the scarier thought dawned:
So did I.
Every time someone commented and I
clicked to look and read I scrolled to the top and read, “Engaged” and smiled.
Yet, I didn’t smile at the prospect of wedding or a marriage. I smiled at the
thought behind the veil, “forever.” When someone is engaged, it symbolizes to
them and everyone around them that these two people have decided to spend a
lifetime with each other. I felt that. I
felt forever. There is just no saying
forever when you don’t want marriage.
From our initial coffee shop date nothing felt like the
normal dating procedure. He and I both had our differing reasons for being
skeptical on long term commitment. Yet, there was something different each time
he held my hand: it just fit. We just fit.
I kept going back to the engaged post and counting the likes
and reactions. Each time, I envisioned
the speech Turk gives Carla at their wedding reception, with a few minor
changes: “When I see you. I see the future. I see dogs. I see a large car meant
for traveling. I see my singlehood leaving. And you know what, the funny thing
is that doesn’t scare me at all”
I never asserted myself for a domestic life. Pots and pans were things to be strung to the wagon of my vagabond heart. Yet, I loved it. I enjoyed the meal prep and the nights in just reading while he played a video game. Because with him there were no boundaries or restrictions. I don’t have to “settle” into a livelihood that doesn’t accompany my own adventurous stride. I can conquer the world, as it were, with him.
We say “We are in a relationship.” Period. Stop. Then we move
on to the next status change. “Engaged.” “Married.” “Kids.” Stop. Stop.
Stop. Everything has a marker to define
it by or an ending. Broken up. Single. Divorced. But what do you say when you
see no end, but you also don’t want the stopping points? Are you constantly
driving in a circle of boyfriend/girlfriend idioms with no climb?
The joke was on me, for through this it allowed me to accept
things I was hiding from.
So perhaps we aren’t engaged. We don’t have a milestone to
put at this point in our lives. Yet, we also aren’t “just dating” or “just in a
relationship.” There isn’t a stopping point. We use periods to signal the end
of a statement, but this has no ending. This is a three dot curser signaling to
hold on for more to come.
This is Ryan
& I…
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