I boast
that the years are behind me. That every last bitter tear has been swept into
the hollow cubicle of emo pop punk and an assortment of eyeliner. Yet, in this
moment as the grasp of the fickle reality of the pure hypocritical irony clouds
the essence of mature forgiveness and retreats into the teenage mutant dream,
clutching onto the Chuck Palahniuk novel and cowering to the floor, I become
angered at the idea of a “new church”.
After I
write this and allow myself to regain the perspective I fought to achieve after
years of study on various religions, I hope I won’t have to go back to this
feeling. Yet, right now, in this flash of an instance, I’m petty, I’m jaded, and
I’m mad. The anger seizes me like the
embrace of a scorned lover, heated for the cause.
The
news broke on the launch of a new name and new perspective, citing from the
story that, “…[In the church] the music is “edgy.” Suits and ties have been
traded for casual wear, and the congregation is dotted with piercings, tattoos,
and “crazy” hair colors…”
Mic
drop.
ARE YOU
FUCKING KIDDING ME??????
Clearly,
people change. I did. But seriously? It took you a decade to figure out that
this wasn’t your “sin”? That the characterization of clothing, makeup, adornments,
and hair color are in and of themselves not innately evil? Where the fuck was
that when I was being called “falling away” from God? Where were you when I was
being told that my outer appearance wasn’t worthy?
That’s right,
you were questioning my bracelets and wondering if I was “giving myself” away
to boys. That a man wouldn’t want me as a wife after that. This is what you
said. You never noticed the actual scars from the knife on my arms after you
said this. The fact that I had stopped eating indefinitely. You never thought
about the fact that my dad was dying. Or that my sister was dealing with mental
issues. You never stopped once to ask, honestly, how the fuck I was?
You just
kept telling me I was changing on the outside. Of course I was!
I didn’t
fall away. I was pushed/shoved/carried off the ledge with a band of people
holding pitchforks and scoffing. I wasn’t allowed to figure things out. And
when I did, my only realization was that a God of mercy wouldn’t allow his
people to torment others at His name. At the hands of God’s people, I am an atheist.
You could not have shown me the light more.
Church
was probably the worst break up I have ever been through. I was confused, hurt,
and untrusting. After all, I believed in the cause. I fought for it with every
breath. I did everything I was supposed to be considered, “good enough.” And I
was left disgraced. It took years to build myself back up to a stronger person.
What doesn’t kill you makes you realize
you have to learn to live again.
It's a catastrophic conundrum when the church is the monster under your bed. When pews haunt your dreams of the condemnation stitched within the fabric. The shreds of myself that wanted a human race to understand grace replaces itself with that of grimace. This is the only sovereign thought I can offer myself to appease the ever enduring woe of being abandoned by a people who say they "are no respecter of persons."
It's a catastrophic conundrum when the church is the monster under your bed. When pews haunt your dreams of the condemnation stitched within the fabric. The shreds of myself that wanted a human race to understand grace replaces itself with that of grimace. This is the only sovereign thought I can offer myself to appease the ever enduring woe of being abandoned by a people who say they "are no respecter of persons."
I will
never enter heaven, if in the least likely scenario where it exists, and I’m at
peace with that. It’s an unlikely percentile, but I would rather find an
eternity of torture than endure another moment claiming myself to a lot who
could treat people so poorly. I like to think this is the reason you changed.
You won’t admit that Christianity is a never ending evolution of culture for
people seeking to believe. Yet, this is entirely what it is. Fit to a mold. A need to recapture those you’ve
cast to the fires fueled this change of pace, and an embrace with the
alternative.
As a
person who believes in freedom of choice in regards to theism, I hope for the
best. My jaded heart will mend to the person I was a few articles ago. I wish
you well on your endeavor for your cause. I have faith that this trend of openness
will continue.
But as for me, in the true 2007 style, for this millenial…
It’s too late.
